On an American TV show I was watching recently, a college professor was critiquing his student. He thought her writing was mundane. Hating that she was writing nice stories about nice places and nice people, he said she needed to challenge herself more in her life, only then would she write something worthwhile. He suggested she should ‘get out of her comfort zone’.
As with most American TV shows, she was young, uncommonly pretty and uncannily eloquent. But her response stayed with me for weeks afterwards. She told him in no uncertain terms that he had it wrong. She said that men just don’t seem to understand that women are thrown out of their comfort zone every single day simply by being in the world. Perhaps that’s why her writing was ‘safe’. Maybe she had to create a world where she felt comfortable and not threatened.
I don’t know if the Professor understood his student’s point or not, however, I’m not sure if any man can really understand the threat women feel from men on a daily basis – unless of course, he becomes a woman himself. Leers, once-overs, wolf whistles, dirty jokes, propositions, insults, gropes. We all know men are the perpetrators.
I think we all have our catalogue of memories. When I was a little girl, a man tried to coax me into his car as I walked home alone from the bus stop. I was terrified and can still recall the sound of him calling out ‘hey Miss Beautiful’. I still know his face and the make of his car. As a teenager riding home on my bike from a friend’s, a group of guys followed me down a laneway, shouting for me to stop. I managed to get away, only because there was a barrier that didn't allow their car through. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if they had caught up to me. I was wearing short shorts. I felt guilty for that afterwards. As a teenager, my boss would openly stare at my legs on every shift, but I didn’t tell anyone and didn’t know what to do about it. I dreaded going to work. In my thirties, a man stalked a friend and me from one bar to another in broad daylight. He took pictures, up my skirt under the table.
More recently, as I waited at the train station holding hands with my young kids, a man started a conversation. I replied in a friendly manner, but as he took a step closer, he gave my chest a long look, lowered his voice and said something irrelevant about his last girlfriend. My children felt me stiffen and my hands clench tight as a cold chill crept up my spine. In an instant, a lovely moment in the sunshine with them was ruined. I felt like I had been spat upon.
Sadly, we’ve all been there. Sadly, we know the drill. Don’t encourage him, but don’t offend him. It could get worse. Is he going to say something I don’t want to hear? Is he going to follow me? Is he going to touch me?
IS HE GOING TO HURT ME?
And what is going to protect me? Sexual Harassment has been outlawed for over 25 years in Australia, but I don’t see that making a difference. It's getting better though. The Everyday Sexism Project allows women around the world a forum to get this stuff off their chests and shine a light on situations that should not be the everyday experience of women and girls. I'd like us to teach our girls and young women that it’s just not OK. I was never told this, so I thought it was normal to suffer through these situations and the rite of passage for us. If anything, it seemed to be impolite or just too embarrassing to talk about. Perhaps there is a whiff of change on the horizon*.
Men are starting to realise that change is in their court. Canada has the Don’t Be That Guy campaign and Australia has the Let’s Stop It At The Start campaign, both acknowledge that teaching women to avoid harassment/assault is not going to stop men from doing it. That’s Harassment is going viral on Facebook and is brilliant. It is uncomfortable to watch and rather sad that celebrity-endorsed videos are needed to point out what is obvious to me, but if it helps people question and reconsider their behaviour then bring it on, and more of it.
Perhaps they’ll finally start to get the message…
GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE.
What would Jane say?
‘There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.’ Elizabeth Bennet, Pride & Prejudice.
Lizzy, we all need to channel your strength and courage at times, and a little bit of stubbornness can go a long way. I can certainly attest to that.
*Update: and it was. It was called Me too.
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